Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
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About the Ferengi:

The Ferengi are a race from Star Trek whose greed for gold is only surpassed by their lust for latinum. Latinum is a form of Ferengi currency distributed in slips and bars, and bricks. They have made a current list of 285 Rules of Acquisition that guide them in everything they do. I have listed below both official rules from the episodes and unofficial rules I found on the internet that I thought sounded appropriate to be in the list somewhere.

Listing of the Rules of Acquisition:

Official Rules:

1:Once you have their money, you never give it back.
3:Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6:Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7:Keep your ears open!
8:Small print leads to large risk.
9:Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10:Greed is eternal.
13:Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16:A deal is a deal...until a better one comes along.
17:A contract is a contract is a contract...but only between Ferengi.
18:A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19:Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
21:Never place friendship above profit.
22:A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
27:There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
31:Never insult a Ferengi's mother...insult something he cares about instead.
33:It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34:War is good for business.
35:Peace is good for business.
40:She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
41:Profit is its own reward.
44:Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47:Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48:The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52:Never ask when you can take.
57:Good customers are as rare as latinum -- treasure them.
58:There is no substitute for success.
59:Free advice is seldom cheap.
60:Keep your lies consistent.
62:The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65:Win or lose, there's always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
74:Knowledge equals profit.
75:Home is where the heart is...but the stars are made of latinum.
76:Every once in a while declare peace...it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79:Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82:The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85:Never let the competition know what you're thinking.
89:Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94:Females and finances don't mix.
95:Expand...or die.
97:Enough...is never enough.
99:Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102:Nature decays, but latinum is forever.
104:Faith moves mountains...of inventory.
106:There is no honor in poverty.
109:Dignity and an empty sack...is worth the sack.
111:Treat people in your debt like family...exploit them.
112:Never have sex with the boss's sister.
113:Always have sex with the boss.
121:Everything is for sale. Even friendship.
123:Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
139:Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141:Only fools pay retail.
144:There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162:Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
177:Know your enemies...but do business with them always.
181:Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189:Let others keep their reputation...you keep their latinum.
192:Never cheat a Klingon...unless you can get away with it.
194:It's always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202:The justification for profit is profit.
203:New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
211:Employees are the rungs on the ladder of succes. Don't hesitate to step on them.
214:Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217:You can't free a fish from water.
218:Always know what you're buying.
223:Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
229:Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236:You can't buy fate.
239:Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242:More is good...all is better.
255:A wife is a luxery...a smart accountant a necessity.
261:A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263:Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266:When in doubt, lie.
284:Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.
285:No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Unofficial Rules:
-A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
-Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians...it's always nice to have a friend with a weapon around when you lose.
-The more time they take deciding, the more money they will spend.
-The greater amount you are taking from someone, the greater the distraction must be.
-A bargain usually isn't.
-One person's secret is another person's opportunity.
-The hand that holds the latinum may also hide a dagger.
-You can tell a great deal about a man from his shoes.
-Time's an asset.
-Your goods are now my goods.
-Exploitation begins at home.
-When you see a good deal, jump on it.
-A Ferengi without a head for business has no future.
-Business is business, even among friends.
-Everything has a price.
-Ears open, eyes wide.
-Never believe anyone taller than you.
-There's a Rule of Acquisition to cover everything, but that doesn't mean one's always got to be applied.
-It's better to live on one's feet than to die on one's knees.
-A good negotiation should be savored, like a good wine.
-A man is only worth the sum of his possessions.
-When no appropriate rule applies, make one up.
-The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
-I found it; it's mine.
-Nothing is more important than your health...except your money.
-What's in it for me?
-If it's free, take it and worry about the hidden costs later.
-Reward anyone who adds to your profits so that they will continue to do so.
-Always exaggerate your estimates.
-Let's you and him fight.
-Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
-Learn the customer's weaknesses so you can better take advantage of him.
-There are many paths to profit.
-For every rules there's an equal and opposite rule (except when there's not).
-If you can't take it with you, don't go.
-Every man has his price.
-A friend in need means three times the profit.
-Fill a desperate need with your most expensive product, then mark it up 500%.
-You can't make a deal if you're dead.
-Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
-Whisper your way to success.
-Hear all; trust nothing.
-A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.
-Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than the question is the answer.
-Never gamble with an empath.
-Always know the competition.
-Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.
-Possession is eleven tenths of the law.
-Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse.
-When Morn leaves, it's all over.
-Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.
-Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
-Keep your family close, keep your latinum closer.
-Only give money to people you know you can steal from.
-Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
-There's always a way out.
-As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.
-What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine, too.
-Ambition knows no family.
-Make your shop easy to find.
-Gratitude can bring on generosity.
-Ear stroking will get you anything.
-If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.
-Never trust your customers.
-It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your latinum.
-When the going gets tough, the tough change the rules.
-A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.
-Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.
-If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much.
-The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.
-Don't trust anyone who trusts you.
-A warranty is only valid if they can find you.
-The best contract always has a lot of fine print.
-There's always a catch.
-Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet. (Sometimes good things come in small packages.)
-Count it.
-Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.
-Never trust a beneficiary.
-There's no such thing as an unfair advantage.
-Risk is part of the game...play it for all it's worth.
-Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father.
-A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.
-Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.
-Blood is thicker than water, and latinum is thicker than both.
-Chances aren't what they used to be.
-A fool and his money is the best customer.
-If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.
-It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.
-There's a sucker born every minute; be sure you're the first to find each one.
-Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
-Never trust a hardworking employee.
-Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
-Life's not fair. How else would you turn a profit?
-A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-The customer is always right...until you get their cash.
-If you believe it, they believe it.
-In business deals a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator.
-Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.
-Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way, it's easier to exploit them the next time.
-Fear makes a good business partner.
-Morality is always defined by those in power.
-Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
-You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.
-Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
-If you can't break a contract, bend it.
-Keep count of your change.
-A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.
-Anything stolen is pure profit.
-Acting stupid is often smart.
-A bargain usually isn't.
-When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
-When someone says, "it's not the money," they're lying.
-Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
-Be careful what you sell; it may do exactly what the customer expects.
-Compassion is no substitute for profit.
-Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.
-You can always buy back a lost reputation.
-Free advertising is cheap.
-Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.
-Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.
-Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
-Profit has limits. Loss has none.
-Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.
-Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent.
-Never bluff a Klingon.
-Never admit a mistake if there is someone else to blame.
-There is always someone else to blame.
-Sell first; ask questions later.
-Sell first; answer questions later.
-Never buy anything you can't sell.
-Always sell at the highest possible profit.
-Pursue profit; women come later.
-Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.
-Don't talk shop; talk shopping.
-Don't talk ship; talk shipping.
-Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it; anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and therefore must be forced to serve.
-Profit is the better part of valor.
-Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
-Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation, there is profit.
-Revenge is profitless...unless someone pays you for it first.
-A contract without fine print is a fool's document.
-A warranty without loop-holes is a liability.
-Cheat long and prosper.
-A pair of good ears will wring dry a hundred tongues.
-There are many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets.
-Drive your business or it will drive you.
-Death takes no bribes.
-If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend.
-He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir.
-He who drinks fast pays slow.
-Mine is better than ours.
-When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something.
-Never do something you can make someone else do for you.
-Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
-Never sleep with the boss's wife unless you pay him first.
-Buy, sell, or get out of the way.
-Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.
-Opportunity waits for no one.
-Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.
-If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.
-Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.
-Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
-Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.
-Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing.
-Sell someone a fish, you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.
-Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.
-Knowledge is latinum.
-Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit.
-A smart customer is not a good customer.
-Let the buyer beware.
-Blood is thicker than water but harder to sell.
-Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner.
-Rules are always subject to change.
-Rules are always subject to interpretation.
-Beware of relatives bearing gifts.
-If you see profit on a journey, take it.
-Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
-Never argue with a loaded phaser.
-Never use credit where your words will do.
-Aliens have no sense of profit.
-He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them.
-The family of Fools is ancient.
-Wish not so much to live long as to live well.
-Money is never made; it is merely won or lost.
-A friend is only a friend until you sell him something...then he's a customer.

I have listed here 262 Rules. I should warn you that most of those on the "Unofficial" list are not from any episodes but merely fit with the style of the rules. If you feel that you have one to add, please contact me, and I will gladly place it on the end of the list.

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